“It’s like a fear of being rejected or abandoned by your partner.”
Doubting a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, is inevitable. There are often moments when we’re forced to consider hard truths or have to chew over whether someone’s taking more energy from us than they’re giving. It’s human to be aware of and question the dynamics of a connection, especially if it’s bringing up serious issues for either you or your partner.
Anxiety-based fears are often way more persistent and consuming, though. The relationship could be fulfilling and reciprocal, but somehow you’re stuck questioning your compatibility. While these thoughts can seem like intuitive revelations, or gut instincts, you might just struggle with an insecure attachment style.
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Your friend or partner could slightly shift their mannerisms or reply to your text late and suddenly you’re triggered, full of adrenaline and in a state of deep rumination. It’s exhausting, and understanding where exactly it all stems from is confusing, too. So, I reached out to Matthew Csabonyi, a clinical psychologist at the Awareness Psychology Clinic, to better grasp the topic of relationship anxiety and how to navigate it.
How would you describe relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is something that we all experience, to some degree, in our romantic relationships. Therapists call it attachment anxiety. It’s like a fear of being rejected or abandoned by your partner.
You might find yourself constantly worrying about whether your partner truly loves you, or if they’re going to leave you. You might need constant reassurance or contact so you don’t feel so insecure. It can also make it tough to trust your partner or… express your feelings to them because you worry they might not understand or… they might leave you if you do or say the ‘wrong thing’. It can cause a lot of jealousy.
While a little bit of anxiety is normal, too much of it can really interfere with the health of your relationship, because the neediness that comes with it can be a lot for your partner to deal with. This can create a really unhealthy cycle, where you can’t just relax and be happy in relationships.
Where does this anxiety generally stem from? What causes it?
Not to sound too stereotypically like a therapist, but… it stems from our relationships with our own parents and the lessons we learned while growing up. If we’ve experienced our parents [behaving in a way that’s] unpredictable or unstable while we were growing up, it makes us anxious about how to keep them happy and makes us worry that we might lose their love or affection if we don’t do the right thing.